It’s news to no one that I absolutely cannot stand living here. I don’t think that’s Regina’s fault. It’s geography that gives us -50 winters, 10 ft of snow and at least two of the plagues of Eqypt each summer.

What’s putting me over the edge (apart from reading an article saying we’ve just had the warmest spring in history and we’re on track to being a desert – and as I write this I’m wearing a parka and it’s pouring rain. Again.) is that twice this week I’ve seen something so bafflingly crazy for sale that I don’t know whether to laugh or vomit.

Exhibit A:

Here’s a very nice prom — ahem –  ‘gown’.

If your daughter doesn’t know what do to with it post-prom, she can always donate it to the local figure skating club or see if any aspiring pole dancers need something dressy for CEO Thursdays at the Cougar’s Den. Teen Temptress is going to be THE look for the dom and sub sets at Spanky McNasty’s House of Pain this season and they’ll pay top dollar for something like this.

This is a dress designed to keep your princess on her toes all night long. Sitting is not recommended as, in the words of my late-grandmother, “I can see your….apricot!” Actually, you can see it plain as day right there in the standing position, too. Oh dear.

If modesty is an issue, wear it with a set of custom heavy-duty colour-matched undies that skanky figure skaters and those tennis ho’s wear then they perform.

Either way, it’s a conversation starter and a guy magnet all in one!

Exhibit B:
What would make your junior Kindergartener’s day? A Kinder Egg? A Hot Wheels Car? A Justin Beiber CD? Stupid mommies and daddies! Your little angel and precious snowflake wants a little bit of magic and mischief in their lives so why not give them both with a $2 voodoo doll.

For just a toonie, you can register your wee one into the service of a vengeful God and make them a little (un)holy terror. Bad report card? Heh heh, teacher will soon have a change of heart — and straight As — after your little Jonah retrofits Teacher Doll’s face with some well-aimed staples. BBF broke your heart? Break theirs back!

You don’t have to be a child to enjoy and experience the wonder of voodoo. Assign dolls to your neighbours, your accountant, the biatch of a babysitter that always cancels at the last minute, your boss, your boss’s boss, that dumbshit coworker who teased you about your lavender shirt, the building super who gives you a dirty look for smoking in the parking lot — is there anyone your doll can’t be?

Decorate your monitor with your personal parade of punished and punctured effigies. Your colleagues and friends will think twice before getting on your bad side ever again!